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I loved you

Saida Jaafer

It keeps happening each time, each once in a very rare time, feeling like, just a bit special, owning this very special feeling which remains unexplained still.

Happens in a very rare time ,to be taken by this flow of feelings .I was so happy and grateful for having had such a good friend like you, however..

Something inside of me, kept growing for you, something that liked you so much, as a friend yes, but then went further feeling much more for you, I only found myself always thinking of you most of my time, then unconsciously including you in many of my recent dozens of my writings. I wasn't aware of it.

I mean how dare this heart of mine, like someone only from a picture not even seen or heard them in real life, this can't be right I said to myself.

But then the conversations we have had, the few pics we have shared, the silly jokes and all that virtual shit that seemed to be diving inside my mind and heart, drowning me alive, taking me into very dark places, making me like you ,knowing you won't like me back the same ever, knowing you had enough with relationships, friendships, and all. So was the same for me, it was enough for me to be asked about and heard when no one might do. I thought it was enough though.. Heart said no, my heart kept building images of you in my dreams, in all ways possible, creating a voice for you, meeting you and smiling at your face, then crying my eyes out once awake. This kept happening to me for three months if not more, I lost count honestly, I really did since it kept happening a lot, I then decided I will no longer talk to you, only so that my unconsciousness remains away from taking you to my dreams again, I cut out any way of reaching you or you reaching me,.

Guess what, it went worse, you seemed to be more present in my mind, to be more awake in my heart than I have thought. Some thoughts of you kept me awake till dawn at days wondering how come I reached this level of what ever I am feeling but then I only found myself crying myself all over again, only to be tired and sleep straight away.

You have then, pulled me back to you by only talking to me or asking, I couldn't help ignoring you more, what wrong have you done to me, nothing. It's not your fault if my mind built up sweet dreams in my imagination, you have no matter in this, only that you're the matter itself inside of my head. I had to be ignoring still, but remaining weak in my unconsciousness, seeing you each night, and by that I mean every single night. You might see obsession, but it was out of my control, it was in my dreams, you were, how would I control that, tell me..

The burden gone heavy on me, I found you were guilty of my state of mind going insane because of you, so hard, so deep, so unexplained. Imagine creating another you, for me in my mind, my mind did shape your presence in my dreams the way it wanted. This has never happened to me before, it's been awkwardly beautiful at first, then it turned into a heavy burden on me alone, I'm suffering here, I really am, in all ways possible, on my attitude, my sleep hours which gone down to only two to three hours per night. This might seem crazy and too much, but even I, am surprised and overwhelmed with the amount of feelings that I am carrying alone, overwhelmed with it since months. I found no solution but set you free out of my mind, by letting you out of my life, since I already confessed but it wouldn't change a thing you knowing that. The level reached a higher rate and I feel it started to become a sort of one sided love. Before it does if it didn't already, I'm gonna have to stop it, so I chose to remove any app, connecting me to you. This will only make it a bit easier to move on. I feel like I have to do this, I'm literally going insane over here, I dunno how this happened or since when I only know you need to stop reaching any conversation with me ,nor as friends nor best ones. I know that remaining like so, will only make me suffer more,and I already am in real huge pain over here. It ain't no drama, this is true, this is honest, and I always been to you, you had to be explained for my way of behaving towards you, as much as I have to do this. I have to cut Amy contact to you. It's so painful already, but it's going to be better, than pretending and lying to you as happy while talking to you, however I'm so full and loaded with anger for not being able to control my mind and heart towards you.

A friend who confessed to me, to have liked me, but I felt nothing towards them and rejected them, made me realize the situation I have put you in when I first said I liked you or when writing this for you, confessing I have hardly fell for you, while you never did.

I'm so sorry, if I have liked or loved you much, really. It was out of my lead. I just beg you to leave me alone from now on, I'm not alright at all, you need to be out of my head as soon as possible. This is only going to work this way. Help me by not trying to reach me. This will do the thing.. I will heal from you bit by bit...

As for you, I believe you have been good to me enough for me to thank you, and only wish you all the best with your work and life. Always smile, you never know who might fall for you, apart from me. Cause the way it happened, was only in my own mind, a toxic way, to kill me slowly.

Take very good care of you always,. I loved you.

Saida Jaafer